Down, Down I Go, Where This Stop, God Only Knows.

I think that’s a limerick. Who knows though.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about just how much my life has changed in a few short years. I like to think most of it’s for the better, but I suppose it’s open to interpretation by those on the outside.

I hate even talking about this stuff sometimes because it either makes me seem whiny and nihilistic or that I’m just to focused on the negatives and sound like an ass. I promise you I’ve attempted to be more generous in my approach and instead of using the blogging medium to beat people over the head with it, to instead share personal stories and struggles as a way to inspire. I’m not sure if the latter is any better than just being negative all the time as the blogosphere has certain limitations with inter-personal relationship, which is really the only true and lasting way to effect change. That is to say it begins personally and relationally.

So just know that when I share my thoughts on this, I’m not accusing anyone but me. My accusations and provocative words (although they are more teeth than bite) begin and end with me. Please don’t take it as me sitting on a high horse like a pompous ass. I’m no prophet. Although I play one on TV.

But like I said . . . I’ve been thinking about where I’ve come from. Whether I’ve devolved into this or evolved into this is something I’m still yet unsure of. But all I know is that over the last couple of years my life has taken on more and more of a downward trajectory. And honestly, that scares me sometimes. It’s very unsettling. To go from where I was 3 or 4 years ago when nothing bothered me to being where I am today where everything bothers me . . . well, needless to say it’s worrisome to me. Because as I follow Jesus further and further down this sketchy little narrow road, it seems like more and more is asked of me. Or perhaps not asked, but at least presented to me.

I remember even a year ago, sitting outside on our deck wondering when exactly I’d get off this downward elevator down the rabbit hole and when it would all stop and I would just settle in somewhere. I remember thinking then, where am I not willing to go today that I might be willing to go a year from now. It seems like every week, every month, every year . . . I find myself further and further down this damn rabbit hole. Chasing after some wild vision of Jesus and a kingdom.

I don’t know. I suppose like with everything I’m taking it way more seriously than I need to. Which I’m sure gives the appearance of bipolar or depression. Although I’m almost sure that isn’t the case.    But I just know that I keep going further and further downward. Now I know this talk of “downward mobility” or “opting out” is ripe with all kinds of problems for people who aren’t firmly situated in affluence. To talk about downward mobility with someone who is already down in poverty sounds foolish. There aspirations are firmly rooted in moving up the social and economic ladder. For me to talk about my need to move down, no doubt seems like a spoiled yuppie trying to earn some street cred. I get that. I really do. But I wonder what trajectory the christian life is to have? Downward or upward?

I think of some of my house church friends, Britt, the Cash Money’s, the D10s, and others who have chosen to live intentionally with each other. Sharing a house, living space, and food. This is a downward trajectory by almost all standards.

I think of friends who have gone off to live or travel in other countries, seeking to experience life in a whole different realm. This is a downward trajectory by almost all standards.

I know I probably tend to overemphasize the economic and political stuff way too much. But I think there is something to be said that when you’re living the way of Jesus and practicing the kingdom of God where you are, that the shape and tone of your life inevitably begins to take on a more downward focus.

Meaning you give away more of your time and money to help others. You think creatively about how to best steward your resources. You begin to imagine new possibilities for how you live your life. You rent a house together and do life as family.

To put a really sharp point on it, I just don’t think I can be a follower of Jesus and continue in the status quo. Or worse yet, continue to move up the ladder. I know you can probably find examples in the story of God. And you can probably even convince me that you’re right with a good enough argument. And I’m not trying to demonize those who are moving up the social and economic ladders. But at some point . . . less has to become more. I know Joseph lived as royalty in Egypt’s palaces but he didn’t sit comfortably in his affluence. And even further, he didn’t choose that way of life. The king did.

Long story short, my point is that it scares the hell out of me what my life is going to look like a year from now. 10 years from now. 25 years from now. What am I saying to myself today that I’ll never change or that I “won’t go that far” only to eventually end up there? How deep is this freaking hole?

I have a hunch that we’re stumbling down the right path. In fact, I’m pretty sure of it. But it doesn’t make it any less scary. Or any less unsettling. I’ll admit, there are days when I long for the status quo. There are days when I look at our 1500 sq. feet, 3 bedroom, 2 bath house and realize that this is as good as it is ever going to get and I can be tempted to be envious.

Envious of safety . . . comfort . . . stability . . . security . . . freedom. I can see why moving further and further up the ladder becomes an enticing thing when you can solidify these things more. But there has to be a better way. It gives me great hope that we’re not the only ones.